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911 Emergency
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Read and enjoyed in 'The Comedy Newsletter'

  "911 Operator - Do you have an emergency?"
"Hell yes! yes!  This woman is killing me!"
"Sir, where are you?"
"The corner of 7th and 11th street!  The 7/11 store!  Hurry!  Ow! Hey, that hurts!"
"Sir, the officers are on their way.  Can you tell me what's going on?"
"I told you, this old woman is killing me!  Woman, get away from me!"
Two officers spun to a stop a few feet from the store, their red and blue lights flashing, siren blaring loudly, to see a small, rowdy crowd gathered.  The gusty cheers and jeers, together with the hand clapping, gave the impression of some kind of competition going on.
The parking lot was brightly lit, but the crowd  hid whatever was happening. Pulling out their batons, they ran through the crowd, yelling, "Get out of the way!" The crowd separated enough for the officers to assess the situation.  Expecting to see an attempted murder, they stood in silence for a few seconds. It was a sight to see.
A woman, at least 80 years of age, was beating on a young  man lying on the ground, who in turn, was trying desperately to ward off the blows with his arms.
Gathering their nerve, both officers entered the fracas, one catching the woman's arm on a back-swing and the other grasping the arm of the fellow on the ground, helping him to stand up. 
"Okay, settle down!  What's the problem here?  Lady, stand still I said!  Stop swinging that thing!"
Officer Smith tried to reason with her as he wrestled the umbrella from her tightly clinched  fists, finally opting to place her in the back seat of his car, hoping she would calm down.  He couldn't question her yet, not with her screaming and hopping around, trying her best to get back to the man she had been pummeling. 
"Whew!  Old women are the worst."  he thought, as he walked toward  his partner who was trying to calm the man enough to get the story. 
Officer Smith observed  the young man was wearing only one sandal.  "Strange," he noted.
"Tell me what happened." Officer Jones asked the man. 
The man couldn't seem to realize he was safe.  He kept looking toward the squad car, her continued yelling keeping him jumpy.  His eyes shifted between the two officers as he tried to quickly concoct a story.  He wasn't stupid enough to admit trying to car-jack that snazzy, foreign car. To make time for himself to think of a good one,  he began to check his wounds.  Besides the piece of plastic from the spoon still in his arm, there was a bloody hole in his neck from the umbrella point.
"Look here," he whined, "I'm hurt.  That crazy broad stabbed me!"
"We'll have a paramedic check you out in a few minutes, Sir,  tell us what happened."
Rubbing his wounded arm, he spoke. "I don't rightly know what caused it all. I came out of the 7/11 just as she was going in, and I was just standing here, minding my own business, when she came out and started yelling and stabbing. That's all. Man, she must be crazy!  I'm a reasonable fellow though, I won't press no charges. I'll just head on home now."
The officers knew that wasn't all. They tossed a coin to see who would question the still upset woman. Officer Jones won. He stood next to the young man while Officer Smith dragged his feet  to the car.
"You calm enough yet to tell me what happened?" he asked her, before opening the door.
"Officer, my name is Mrs. Olgivy. I will not be calm until that thief is locked behind bars! He was stealing my car.   Arrest him!"
Opening the door,  reminding her to stay seated, he listened to her side of things.
"I parked my car right there, in the handicapped space, so I could see it from inside the store.  I just ran in to get a cup of ice cream, you see.  While I was at the counter, I glanced out, and there was that brute, high jacking, is that the correct term?  Hijacking? Yes, he was hijacking my new car!  My lovely new Yugo.  Well, of course I rushed out as quickly as possible.
There happened to be a cup of plastic eating utensils on the counter, so I quickly borrowed one. I reached for a knife, but they were all mixed up, so I settled for the first one in my hand, a spoon.  I struck him on the arm with it.   It broke the second time, becoming more useful. 
He scrambled out and around to the back of the car, so I reached for my umbrella.  A much more useful item. I swatted him a time or two, telling him he should leave other peoples things alone. He denied trying to steal my Yugo, but I know what I saw.  He was sitting inside the car, under the steering wheel, looking at my new cell phone.  He still has the phone.  Look at all these people here, not a one offered  to help a poor helpless,
old lady, alone."
Officer Smith grinned at that remark, and had her step out, helping her to her car.  The crowd began cheering when they saw her.  She paid them no attention, not knowing they were cheering for her.  He opened the door of the Yugo.
"See, there on the floor?  That is his sandal, he lost it when he decided to vacate my car. It must have gotten caught on the pedal there."
The officer reached in to pick up the shoe and walked over toward the man, still grinning,  letting it swing from his fingers.  The startled young man quickly looked down at his feet, finding one was bare.
The crowd  disassembled, according to orders, still cheering and laughing.